And When You Least Expect It, Darkness Descends
So something happened at work that made a murky mess out of my slow crawl toward being a stable human being. Yet another misdeed has been discovered, and no one wants to take the blame.
Not just once, mind you, but twice in the past have I attempted to hide a misdeed from my supervisors. The first time I allowed myself to trust someone who encouraged my deceit. They no longer work here. The second time I did actually intend to tell my supervisors about it, but got so distracted by other events going on that I quite literally forgot the incident. You are not allowed to forget things of that magnitude, and rightly so.
Even I don’t trust me.
When someone has failed as profoundly as I have, there is usually only one honorable option left.
My gods will not allow it.
So I am stuck here, enduring this self-blame and self-hatred. I am stuck here enduring this… shame.
Now another misdeed, and I wonder…. did I have another loss of time? Did I somehow fail yet again? I don’t think I did but remember… even I don’t trust me. I tried explaining this to my supervisor. I tried explaining that no I don’t know anything about the incident. I tried explaining that my obvious discomfort stems from this total lack of self confidence and deeply entrenched fear of punishment for something that I am not entirely convinced I didn’t do. Instead, I think he only suspects more for my confession of self-doubt.
Self-doubt is a deadly weakness in this field, and I may have just signed my own final notice.