Ending a Walk

I should have posted this a while ago but for the reasons listed in the previous post, that wasn’t possible.

Those who have been following for a while are already aware that I’ve spent most of this last year paying particular attention to the influences of the Reaper in my life. Walking with the Reaper has been an invaluable experience and not something I would ever, ever take back. The close walk is over.

There will be details left out. Please for the love of whatever don’t think that this is everything that went on.

I can not say exactly when I first crossed paths with the Reaper. I recall a presence on the edge of my awareness ever since childhood that I have come to associate with the Reaper- an eerie and profound combination of sadness, depth, gentleness and utter immovability. No entity has stirred my soul to melancholy, poetry, or brutal practicality with quite the same power or finesse. The Reaper has been and will continue to be, at least in my own heart, my Lord of Autumn.

Toward the end of the walk, which began last August, I began to have a series of dreams. In each dream, while the symbolism changed, the meaning was the same. I was being asked to make a choice. I think, that if I had taken one set of symbols I might already be dead and safe in the Reaper’s hands. But I didn’t.

Each dream and dream fragment began the same way. I died. The method varied and some were more painful, more ignoble, more heroic, more unremarkable than others. Each time when I woke I stood before three figures. One to my left stood swathed in robes of black that seemed to defy any breath of air or glimmer of light. It was as if a piece of the abyss had broken free and chosen to walk abroad. To my right stood another figure, sometimes hard to see clearly but always beautiful. Everything he said had a tinge of laughter in the words. Sometimes the laughter was bitter, sometimes soft, sometimes open and full of joy. The third figure stood behind me and I knew him by his voice: deep and rough and made of steel. I heard my Lord Father’s voice say “Choose.”

It is not a choice I wanted to make. Being essentially a spoiled spirit, used to not having to work but so hard for the talents that come to me, I did not want to pick a side. But I am Lord Father’s child.

One spoke to me then, in a voice woven out of silence and mist. “You see Me truly and for that alone I could love you. But you are you, and for that alone I do love you. You will come to me in time as all must. What you have learned is yours. You can come with me now if that is your choice. Come and dance with me, but rescind your place in this realm.”

And I wished to follow that one into the cool quiet, into the depths.

One spoke to me then in a voice like smoke with heat and laughter behind every word. “There is nothing I can give you, dragon, to compare to the peace and rest the other offers. I see you, and I tell you that you are needed here and now. I will be with you, by your side, in your heart and mind. I will push you, re make you, challenge, break, and re forge you. I will teach you to fight, to flow, and to be you wherever you are. It will hurt. Come dance with me, here and now, for beauty and for pain.”

And I was afraid to follow that one into the fire, but he had said something that I had to follow. It is the one thing that makes me the most me. It is the one thing that makes me, more than any other trait, Lord Father’s child.

“Father,” I asked “Am I needed here, now? Is there no one else who can do this job?”

“There are others.” He answered me “But there are none who can do it as well.”

That has always been the one question that would change my mind. Always. And they both knew it.

So I reached across the intervening distance…

And grasped the Trickster’s hand.

Poke… poke…

I’m not dead, I promise. At least, not to the best of my understanding of the term.

I’ve been unable to meet the trifecta of working internet, computer with a keyboard, and free time so I have been unable to post. That doesn’t mean that things haven’t been going on.

Here’s a run down.

In the purely grubby mundane world things are going reasonably well. The gardens are stuttering in the heat and I’m down another laying hen after a heat wave. Still, four brown leghorns have been averaging three eggs a day so I can’t complain. The yearling whether is fattening up nicely and the kids that will be next year’s yearling and young doe are looking pretty good. No health problems so far and good size and activity. The little whether is kind of an idiot, as goats go, but that’s fine too. I haven’t been down to check the ponds recently but one of the cousins has and she says that the fish stocks (smallmouth bass and blue gill) are low but holding even in the heat. Not much worth frying  up yet but they’re still recovering from a massive fish kill a couple summers ago. Seriously we lost about 80% of the pond population.

Connecting the mundane and (for lack of any  better term) woo is the circle of friends and family that I have been rediscovering this summer. Apparently my brother, at least one cousin, said cousin’s wife and one of our mutual friends from years back are all on similar paths. We have been for years and never knew it. We’ve been spending more time together this summer. We’ve helped each other move, burned many a candle together, chanted many a chant and attended many a concert. We’ve been reunited these last few months and now I would not willingly be without these people again. I begin to understand why the society in which one lives was the real cornerstone in the lives of ancient people. The difference in my own outlook, sense of internal stability and strength is so much greater for having a group around who accept and support me. I would not have thought that the difference would be so very great, since I have spent most of my life with no close friends and estranged from my extended family. Life is more enjoyable this way.

Life also has room for expansion this way. We’re taking steps to expedite the off grid set up. The camper has been a very useful band aid to get me out from under rent and help me get rid of extraneous stuff but it won’t do for a long term home. The plans have been enlarged to create an almost dormitory style residence with minimal energy requirements, intended to house three or four people in very close quarters. It won’t be the comfortable space we’re all used to but it will get us all into a financial position where we can save money for other plans which will not be revealed to the public just yet.

It also gets more of the available labor pool on the farm where the labor is needed. The folks have been having a harder and harder time keeping up with things like feeding goats and mowing grass and tending gardens and preserving produce so having people there more often who can tend to those chores will help a lot in terms of having space and food available for all of us. Since “budget” has become the byword of the times, this seems like a good move.

Having people there might make some pursuits more difficult. We all like each other and get along reasonably well (for the record, “we” in this case is referring to only a couple of the family and friends group- others are settled closer to their own jobs or otherwise aren’t interested) but we also know that living in close quarters will wear on anyone’s temper after a while. Plenty of time out doing other things and working other jobs will be required if we’re going to stay more or less sane. I think we’re all ok with that though. We have a pretty good idea of what we’re getting into.

Which only leaves the wonderful world of woo and weirdness to ramble about for a while, but that’s going to take another post. Stay tuned.

Music Share

Check this thing out because it’s playing in my head all day while I hand out band-aids and sympathy on an ambulance.

Fillmageddon ticket give away


Now I have to see if I can fit this in with all the other shows, trips and festivals I’m already committed to this fall.

Originally posted on

Fillmageddon at the Fillmore Silver Spring

On Saturday, October 11th two of the fall’s biggest metal tours cross paths for one night only at the Fillmore Silver Spring for a show so big it can only be called Fillmageddon! Machine Head, Children Of Bodom, Epica and Battlecross are on tour together but The Black Dahlia Murder and Suicide Silence tour was looking to play the area on the same day so rather than have competing shows they’re all playing at the Fillmore! We’re so excited around here for this show that we’re going to give one of you lucky readers of this site a free pair of tickets to this epic show. To enter: leave a comment on this post telling me which band you want to see the most. At 5pm EST this Friday, August 22nd, a winner will be chosen at random (using from all valid entries to receive two…

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Because sometimes what goes through my head has to come OUT.

They call me a god of fire, even as they watch me dive into the water. They can’t see the lesson in front of their faces. Fire and water can not mix; it is a rule. I’ve never cared much for rules. Rules are meant to be broken, or rather, circumvented. Where you see only fire or water I see flow. All things flow- even earth if you treat it right. I will flow. I will flow into every hidden path, down every back road, through every crack in your defenses. Then when I am inside… I will break your walls. So that you can rebuild them of course, without the flaw. Then I will find another crack. And I will flow, and I will break it too.




John Barleycorn Must Die — Music for Lughnasadah


For the season.

Originally posted on hecatedemeter:

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“Environmentalism is Meaningless”

Originally posted on PAGANARCH:

220px-EarthfirstmonkeywrenchPatheos Pagan’s series, “Has Pagan Environmentalism Failed?” has gone live.

My contribution, A Call To War, has already garnered some grumpy attention.  Whenever one talks about Capitalism, one’s guaranteed to get any configuration of the following responses:

  • Communism is just as bad (they’re right, but it’s quite American to assume Capitalism has an opposite.  The Coke/Pepsi, Democrat/Republican, Top/Bottom dualistic thinking in the American mind is quite ingrained)
  • Capitalism isn’t the problem, it’s Industrialization (yes, yes, of course, but why’d we industrialize in the first place? To maximize profits with minimized and exploited labor through mass-production…that is, Capitalism)
  • You’re a hypocrite–you use a computer or You couldn’t have this conversation without Technology (this one gets really, really old.  As I’ve mentioned before, the notion that Capitalism is responsible for technology is ridiculous.  Worse, people are too addicted to their blue screens to realize that these conversations occur on the street…

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